The Freedom to Choose Who We Become

I have been thinking a lot lately about how we treat one another.

Perhaps it is the recent political conversations coming out of America. Watching people disagree, sometimes passionately and sometimes unkindly, has made me reflect on something much closer to home.

Why do we behave the way we do? Why do some people meet disagreement with curiosity, while others meet it with anger? Why is it sometimes easier to judge another person than to understand them? How much of that behaviour have we actually chosen?

The things we learn without realising

From the moment we are born, we begin learning how the world works. Our families teach us what is polite and what is rude. Our communities shape our understanding of respect. Our cultures influence how we communicate, how we disagree and what we consider acceptable.

Some of these lessons are spoken aloud. Others we absorb simply by watching. We learn when to speak and when to stay quiet, how to show respect, and whether disagreement is something to welcome or avoid.

Over time, these lessons become so familiar that we rarely question them. We begin to believe that the way we see the world is simply the way the world is.

Then, every so often, life introduces us to someone who sees it differently.

The gift of another perspective

One of the greatest privileges of spending time in different countries and cultures is discovering how much there is to learn from other people.

Living and working in cultures different from my own has taught me a great deal, and one thing that continues to touch me is the extraordinary hospitality I have experienced, particularly across the Middle East. Visitors are welcomed with such warmth, and people are so generous in making sure you have everything you need. There is real pride in sharing traditions, heritage and beliefs.

Being welcomed into another person's world with such openness is deeply moving. To me, it is kindness in one of its most beautiful forms.

I have also learned that people approach difficult conversations in very different ways. In some cultures, direct disagreement is encouraged. In others, maintaining harmony and avoiding public embarrassment matter a great deal.

What one person considers honest and straightforward, another may experience as unnecessarily confrontational. What one person sees as respectful restraint, another may read as a reluctance to speak openly. Neither interpretation tells the whole story. We are simply looking at the same situation through different experiences.

That has been one of my most valuable lessons. Different does not automatically mean wrong. Sometimes it simply means there is something we have not yet understood.

When kindness becomes difficult

Understanding other people is relatively easy when everyone is being pleasant. The real test comes when someone is frustrated, dismissive or unkind.

Perhaps they speak sharply or say something hurtful. Perhaps they take their frustration out on someone who had very little to do with the problem. Our instinct might be to defend ourselves, to retaliate or to withdraw, and I understand that instinct completely.

Experience has taught me something worth remembering, though. Sometimes, the way another person behaves tells us more about what they are going through than it does about us. They may be frightened or overwhelmed, or something may have happened that we know nothing about.

That does not excuse unkindness. We all have a responsibility for how we treat others, and there are times when boundaries need to be made very clear. Understanding someone's behaviour does not mean accepting it. It simply gives us another way to respond.

I have found that one of the most useful things we can do is allow a little time to pass. Once emotions have settled, we can return to the conversation, not with another accusation, but with a question.

I've noticed you seem a little frustrated lately. Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do to help?

It is remarkable how often a different conversation begins. Sometimes we discover that the person is carrying something we could not see. Sometimes we do not. Not every difficult interaction has a hidden explanation, and kindness does not guarantee a kind response in return.

Even so, asking the question creates a possibility that retaliation rarely does: the possibility of understanding.

The freedom we sometimes forget

As some of you may remember from my earlier reflections, Viktor Frankl is someone whose work has inspired me enormously. A psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Frankl wrote extensively about our capacity to find meaning and to exercise choice in how we respond to life's circumstances.

I find his thinking incredibly powerful, particularly the idea that even when we cannot control what happens to us, we can still influence how we respond.

We cannot always choose what happens around us. We cannot control another person's opinions, actions or behaviour. We may not even be able to control our immediate emotional reaction. Yet we can learn to create a little space between what happens and what we do next: a moment to consider, a moment to question our assumptions, and a moment to choose whether our response will make the situation better or worse.

I wonder whether that freedom is becoming harder to exercise in a world where opinions arrive constantly, reactions are immediate, and social media can reward certainty more readily than curiosity. We can become so busy defending what we believe that we forget to ask why we believe it, or whether another perspective might be worth considering.

Being open to another point of view does not mean abandoning our values. Being kind does not mean agreeing with everyone. Being respectful does not mean staying silent when something is wrong. Perhaps it means having the confidence to disagree without diminishing another human being.

The person we choose to be

We are all shaped by the world we grow up in. Our families, our cultures, our experiences and the people around us all leave their mark. Some of those influences are wonderful, while others may deserve a second look.

We do not have to reject where we came from in order to question what we have learned. We can be grateful for our upbringing and still grow beyond some of its assumptions. We can hold strong beliefs and remain curious. We can challenge behaviour without attacking the person, and we can choose kindness without surrendering our boundaries.

Perhaps most importantly, we can remember that the person standing opposite us has a story too, one we may know very little about.

The next time someone frustrates you, challenges your thinking or behaves in a way you do not understand, there may be an opportunity to try something different. That is not because they necessarily deserve a kinder response. It is because you get to decide the kind of person you want to be.

I've often thought that the success of any relationship isn't simply about the people we choose to have in our lives. It's also about who we choose to be in those relationships, and which parts of ourselves we choose to bring to them.

We cannot always choose how others behave. We can, however, choose the person we want to be.

One meaningful question

The next time someone challenges or frustrates you, what might change if you chose curiosity before judgement?

Nova x

Understanding begins when we choose to listen.